My first blog was posted late last night and it has over 80 views already and my heart skipped a beat. There have been so many moments that I have sent emails or posted on social media to get ZERO responses or views.. Or to get criticized for sharing something.
There are moments that it has honestly felt like posting or sharing was not worth it because what I had to say landed in a blackhole on the internet.... but something I have learned overtime is that we should keep posting because someone out there needs to hear what you have to say and that may come years later from when we posted.
****SIDE NOTE: One thing I want to say before we continue..... There WILL be spelling errors, grammar issues, and sentences that don't make sense in all of my blogs. I will do my best to make sure they are not there but they always find a way to get through no matter how many times I reread and rewrite. Right now, I am simply getting into the habit of posting something rather than getting into my head and not posting anything at all (like I have done the last 10 years of trying to start a blog). I know.... How uneducated of me to not gear towards perfection... Yes, I hold a PhD. Yes, I am a professor. And Yes....but honestly, grammar and spelling errors do not hurt as much as we think... I have anxiety and fear of stepping out in this way, so right now, my focus is to get consistent over being perfect. *****
Honestly, I have spent far too long letting fear of moving forward stop me from trying. So, for now, spelling issues and all, I will post and eventually get better as I learn to quick write thoughts down and hit "publish."
I remember the first time I really opened up about my story to a friend that I had been working for. They responded, "You know, Danisha if I did not walk with you through those horrible moments and have witnessed everything you have talked about..... I would never believe you about what you went through... I would assume you were making it up to get attention.." I would rehear this over and over again in my dating life too... At first it would start off with, "you do not let me in and tell me your past... You need to open up!" and when I did, it always ended with conversations about how they did not see a future together because I was "too much baggage..."
So I became very scared to share my story because whenever I did, I heard comments like that and more...
"Well, I know you love to write, but you should try something else.. This is just not FOR you." to comments like, "God gave you dyslexia for a reason, it's so you would not pursue this...." (yes, this was said to me....). I have even had people tell me that nobody was interested in what I had to share or even feedback on how social media is not designed for people like me (sharing my trauma and all).....
I have learned that when you are vulnerable, people may be uncomforatble so they discourage us from sharing. And I also have found that some people just don't know how to filter between their mouth and brain.... It's true... You know it is!
When I was 8 years old, I told my parents I wanted to be a doctor. And I was told that was an overreach in my abilities. I did not learn to read until I was 9 because my parents said it was a waste of their time because, and I quote, "you just don't get it as fast as your older siblings.... It's too hard to teach you... You just do not retain it..." and "Women are not designed by God to learn..." So, I taught myself how to read by listening to a cassatte tape and reading along, You know.... The one that you put into a radio that had a tape player.... I am definitely dating myself but I already revealed my age, so who cares!
When I was 11, I started memroizing words very quickly and it became an issue with the homeschooling group we were in. The reason, the person who was teaching kids how to read said he was worried becuase I was not actually learning how to read vowals and spelling/grammar would be difficult if I did not learn how to read. I have vivid memories from my middle school days, which I "internet-schooled" myself and I learned how to read while we were at the park at church. I would swing on the swings or jump around the monkey bars while my friend read me verses from the bible or words from a book, and I would recite them back.
It was not until High School that I learned I had dyslexia. And test anxiety. And fear of disappointing people.... And fear of failing (which may be just anxiety and fear). I hated popcorn reading but I learned to count how many kids were reading before me and then count how many lines down would be my line.... And I would read it through so many times and never hear what others were reading..
Side note: Do you know how many times I miscaluclated and practiced the wrong line? And then my anxiety would grow... I was told I "oversensitive" and "overly emotional," and needed to work through it so that I could be, and I quote, "an easy person to deal with."
It was not until high school choir that I learned how to sound out A, E, I, O, and U. And let me tell you, the person who sat next to me in choir, laughed and said, "What?? Are you stupid?? We learned this in elementry school!!" And I would always joke back, "nope.... I did not go to elementry school! I just love learning new things everyday...." but deep down, I was hurt... I felt stupid. I was insecure... And I was tired of people commenting. But it continued.
Another teacher in high school told me, "You are not the person I would pick to be successful.... And that's ok..." And I was immediately crushed..
When I was 18, I wanted to go to college and was laughed at by several people I knew. Over the years, as I continued focusing on myself, the comments changed from discouraging me to go for crazy dreams, to people being bluntly rude about what I have had to overcome.
Short story: I have gone through foster care, homelessness from 19-24, became the guardian of five siblings at 24 years old, finished my bachelors, master's, and PhD in 12 years, self-published two books, became a professor, got married, had a kid, bought a house (two now), and started my own business all by 34 years old.....
Now the comments have changed to, "your abuse clearly was not that bad because you have been able to overcome it..." Or "You could have avoided all of what you went through if you just apologized to your parents...."
Or, "It sounds like you just wanted to be the victim so you must have set yourself up for the life you lived.." and even, "I don't mean to be rude, but have you ever considered that the common denominator in your story is you?"
Yup..... Words hurt and cut deep... We can let them influence our decisions and stall out our movement... Or we can try to recognize that other people's opinions are not for us to know... I do not remember who said it but I heard a quote once that said, "other people's opinion of you is none of your business..." and MMMANN That hits deep.
But we do not need to surround ourselves with people who use words to purpseofully cut deep. We do not need that negativity in our lives and we do not need those opinions.
But what do we do when these opinions crowd our hearts and mind? Counseling and healing.
I have been in counseling on and off since I was 19 because I have found there are moments that I need to have someone from the outside to look inside my life to help me grow... But counseling is suppperrrr expensive... And it can be super helpful.
But I think there are times that I think other people's opinions are and I do not believe that counseling should keep us stagnant. We should grow.
Let me explain.... Counseling should give us the tools to move forward and improve our life.. My counselor is not my friend, they are someone I am entrusting with every deep dark secret so that I can grow. It's not a pretty picture like sitting with a friend at coffee. Counseling can be messy. It may feel gross. It may also feel like it's taking everything out of you to rebuild something better. It's not just financially expensive, it requires us to really give part of ourself to growth.
I have sat with my counselor with the words people have told me. And sometimes she gets mad with me and she also calls me out when I need to apologize to someone for my words and actions. So, I go to counseling and I work hard on watching how I say things to people.
Because in reality.... I am the villian in someone elses story and I would never want to leave them with the words that broke their spirit... So, moral of the story? Let's be better with how we speak to someone. Even when their story sounds "too much" because they had to overcome too much. Let's go out there and be better for those around us.
Anyways... Rant over.
Love you muchly,
Danisha.
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