Have you ever watched a TV show or movie, and it completely inspired you to do something so different that felt out of your element? Same here!
For me, it's movies like Little Women when Jo pursues her love for writing at all costs.
Or even when Betty Suarez from Ugly Betty becomes an editor and starts to blog and finds that she has more than 5 followers!
And even Julie Powell's obessivion with learning how to cook all of Julie Child's receipes because the job that she does is completely draining.
Inspiration Leads Us. These movies and shows have given me so much inspiration that it actually lead me to pursue my dreams of getting my education and writing two books, but what they do not highlight is the dark moments when the creativity and inspiration stops being ignited and they lose hope in what is next for them.
Can I be honest with you? I have been there a thousand times throughout my journey. One of my darkest secrets is that I did not know how to finish a single task because of fear, until it came to finishing my bachelors in 2016. It was the first time I really felt like I could finish a task at hand.
(And when I say I cannot finish a task, you should see all the business advantures I went on, as well as all of the degree routes I wanted to go.... don't even get me started on finishing writing in a journal... I Allllwaaysss leave pages blank and buy a new one.... Picture for proof!).
Every single one of these journals have empty pages and I just bought a new cute one to try to find motivation to complete something.
I have let fear control every moment of my life. Why? Because I was afraid to fail and I was also afraid to be seen.
Can I be bold in saying that the fear of failing is easier to overcome than the fear of being fully seen? For me, I have always had this intense emotions that people were watching my every movie.... I literally would act like a camera was watching me 24/7, like the Trumen Show, the Jim Carry Movie
:Insert Trauma Related Story here: :queue single spotlight and sad music: It has to tie in with my very real trauma that being seen usually meant something bad for me growing up.
Short backstory: I always thought Child Protective Services (CPS aka DFS) entered my life when I was in High School but I have come to recently find out that the first moment CPS entered my life when I was a toddler.
The other day I had a flash back of being 4 or 5 years old. My parents were at the hospital having one of my siblings and we hid behind couches when someone knocked on the door. I remember that we were told NOT to answer the door for ANYONE. This knock happened to be my grandfather and one of my aunt's but the memory that was sparked was me saying, "OH I thought it was the lady from CPS..."
When you live your life in fear being seen, it's hard to recognize who is there to help you or hurt you. So, sharing a blog or all my feelings in my journal means that I am being transparant, authentic in how I feel, and exposing me to people who will judge.... And I am not afraid of strangers finding this blog... I am afraid of my family finding it and judging me.
Afterall, I have been called several times and told to take down posts and blogs before. And I understand it to a point. I have learned over time how to share on social media to tell my story but I have also learned that people will judge you regardless of what you do.
So, the question remains.... To blog or not to blog? Do I live a life that is unafraid? Do I grow strength like Betty to continue to be who I am regardless of what others say (and rudely they have criticized her and I love her brightness).
Do I become bold like Jo and give it all I can? Or like Juliet and take a chance to provide some hope by cooking meals?
Can I be honest, hiting "publish" is still terrifying even with how many times I have posted on social media and the two books I have self-published... But why?
That is a question I will have to take into therapy.
Love muchly,
Danisha.
I absolutely love reading the things you post. A lot of people who have not gone through the things that you have, but maybe have seen things that make them uncomfortable are learning how to speak up because of your posts vouching for the youth. You are so inspiring, especially because you continue to spread awareness even when it makes others uncomfortable. You give people a voice and I admire you for that. So not that it matters… but I say… To Blog! You are already bold like Jo, but even more, you are bold like Danisha. Your voice matters! This was very well written.
You went through what you did so you could help others who are going through the same
Thing. You know that. Your voice is unique to this niche and people are being made aware in your books and blogs of the world of fosters and you have/will touch them through your sharing and teaching your story. Press on and be who you are.