I have decided that everything I post will be excerpts that would probably never fit into a book or poem... It is what it is, or as the cool kids say IYKYK (if you know, you know..).
In High School, I was in colorguard, choir, and Jazz band. In the summers, we would do band camp to prep for the Fall season of band and colorguard.. Yuppppp "One time at band camp" was the common joke that we had thrown around like a bad middle school haircut. Anyways, after football season had ended, we went into a "winterguard" season, which was really just from November to the end of the school year.
In my sophomore year of high school, I believe just after foster care happened, we had been in some competitions in Vegas, San Fransico, and other places within California. Well, there's that saying, "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas..." ...
During our time in Vegas, a friend of mine started dating this guy from the drumline team.... And well... Drama happened. The whole trip was kind of sucky, honestly. She was clearing up hurt and drama the entire time, and then we were on our way home.... With the boy who broke her heart sitting just a few rows back from us...
She leaned over to me and said, "I thought they said what happens in Vegas, stayed in Vegas...??" and I said, "Not when it follows you home...." and we laughed. It became the running joke of the year and for a few years after.
But in this moment, at 16 years old, we both realized something about life.... Sometimes we cannot outrun our problems. Some problems, when big enough, follow you home and cannot be hidden.
Now, if you know me, I am a HALLMARK Movie girl. I LOVE love movies. I love cute stories, even if they are copied and pasted into a thousand different movies and the only thing that changes are the characters. Acting, colorguard, and choir were my outlets in highschool, and I often found that I could play a different person and not have to think about my home-life.
By being someone else, I was not myself. I was not living my drama. I was not living life in fear or anger, I was simply Danisha who was playing a role of... :Checks notes: "Extra," "nerd girl #2" or "Girl who dances..." (I never got a lead role but I was just happy to be in the play). But my favorite role that I brought to life was, "the little redheaded girl" from Charlie Brown.
Now, I know what you are thinking, "The little redheaded girl NEVER appears..." I know. But the director of the plays thought it would be a great idea to bring her on the stage, and he let me play her. And I was so excited to do so.
As I went through more problems in life, I gravitated to more movies in my spare time. And I noticed a theme, there was always a girl running away from her problems and would move to a small town and find true love.... And I would get this itch to move.
I contemplated moving to Ireland, Mexico, New York... Ya know, the troubled girl in the big city.... And then I would think of my favorite movies.. They all moved to a small town where they were able to build community and relationships. That simply walking in your neighboorhood, you knew the whole town... And then the old saying from high school popped in my head. "It follows you home...."
When I was 18, I became homeless after leaving my fulltime job to pursue school. From 18 to 24, I lived in over 33 different homes because I could not find consistency and I couldn't afford a place to live. I even lived in my car for a year because it was the only place I could find. but at least I had a car, right? I plotted many-a-times to leave my hell-hole and get the heck out to a small town somewhere, and then the whisper would come back, "It follows you, Danisha."
And I stayed. I stayed where I was known, even though I felt isolated and alone in moments. I stayed with people who could guide me. (I also could not afford to move....). At 24, I became the guardian of 5 of my siblings, and I became stuck in having to face my problems, fears, hurts, and wounds.
And I found something the movies never talked about.... Just because we moved, found relationships, community, or friends, it doesn't mean our problems do not follow us home at night. The hurt builds and can be very messy to deal with. And sometimes, it takes time to find healing. What is more important then starting over in a new place that nobody knows our name? Healing.
Over the last 15 years, I have been in counseling on and off. I usually go for about 3-4 months and then take years away from it, and then find my way back to it. I use these time blocks to slowly work through what I feel at the time, and avoid jumping too far into my trauma.
At first, the hate for my parents was dibiliting, I never thought I'd be married. Then I worked through that and learned what real forgiveness is. It did not bring a relationship, but it brought peace to my heart.
Then I worked through anxiety and depression.
Then I worked through insecurities.
Then I worked through job changes and fears.
Then I worked through broken friendships.
I started counseling again in December 2023, and have been going for 8 months. This is the longest I have ever been in counseling. Weekly counseling. And we have worked through so much in the last 8 months.
One of the things we recently worked through was my fear of being homeless. With my extensive background of moving from place to place almost every single year (I believe I am up to 39 moves now), this go around of selling our house and then finding a home closer to family.... Was a lot more emotional than I thought it would be.
Now, our last home was the home was the longest I have been in a home since foster care. We were there for four years, we bought our daughter home here, the home I lost my job in, starting my business, finished my PhD program in, found healing and hope in, and grew a lot in. I had many-a-tears here. However, it was not the "losing" of the memories, but the daunting task of finding where we go next.
We sold our home in 7 days and then we had to wait for a month and a half for my credit to update. Yes, my credit was shot due to the 33 moves I had made in my early 20s and raising my siblings. But something felt freeing about being able to imrpove my credit but also... It felt embarassing.
I was left having to face some prior skeltons of quickly getting a loan or credit card without really thinking out the longterm impact.
And then once that was done, we made an offer on the home but the loan process was delayed, and we almost lost the offer on the home because of the delay.
As I sat in counseling and processed the tears with my husband, I had to be honest with myself... I was scared that the past would be my current... I was afraid we would be homeless and my daughter would have to experience moving every year. I was afraid I failed my family. I was anxious that we sold our home too soon and now... we were homeless again.
But our realtor, my therapist, and my husband consistently reminded me, There are other homes out there and there are apartments too. And we were not in the financial situation I was in when I was 20. We have my husband's family to lean on as well. We have commnuity of people who would move mountians for us. We were better off in every area AND my past was not following me anymore.
It was the weirdest thing to process. I am currently sitting in the loft of my new house, and it is decked out the way I have only ever dreams of.... Here's a picture....
I reflect on the saying, "it follows you home...." I let it become my mantra without even realizing it. At 19, I started dealing with skeltons in my closet. The fears of failing, not being enough, being unloved, or forget. I started dealing with them so that they did not have a hold on me.
The past did not have to follow me home anymore and I did not need to run away to a small town where I was unknown. I could learn, grown, get up and try again. But I could also lean into my community and be known.
I did not have to run anymore.
And for that, I am grateful.
Love muchly,
Danisha.
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